“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you,
and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement,
you should include all things in your gratitude.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I was up at dawn as usual, and the alpenglow on the peaks promised another beautiful day, but sadly I must be on my way. Packing slow and easy, I was gone before 8 am. I said my goodbyes to the heights of the lakes and the Altar, and started back to my low-level life of indentured servitude. My pack was much lighter of course, probably less than 25 lbs. There was no need to hurry, but the trail is always treacherous, and I slipped once on a loose slope and slid down about three feet. Fortunately I had been leaning back on my heels for safety, and escaped without a scratch! I have been very lucky throughout the years, avoiding serious injury on a dangerous trail I have walked at least 35 times before. No pack-off rest was needed – I descended from the Altar to the car in about four leisurely hours. Again, there was no need to hurry. I saw nobody else on the trail, and Dimari’s car was the only vehicle at the trailhead. My camera battery ran out after a few last pictures early in the morning, so there was no need to stop for any photos. My transition back to the punitive world was far too easy. I wanted to stay for another week, or a year! Or a lifetime…
I had a bit of jerky and trail mix left, and nearly a full tank of gas, so I drove all the way home with minimal stops. Along the way, I reflected more on the need to love myself, and it dawned on me that I needed to focus on eliminating resentment, judgment, and shame from my mind. Each time I felt those things, I could replace them with forgiveness, acceptance, and gratitude. Especially gratitude, which may be compounded by a positive attitude I called “positude,” while blessing the other drivers on the crowded highway. Positude is the vision of the soul. It is a conscious decision to feel gratitude with positivity. The challenge is always to look back on the past with the eye of the soul, and be truly grateful for all the mistakes and bad things that happened. Transgressions are the curriculum of the soul’s university, and correcting them is the diploma. I have a Ph.D. in mistakes. Without the grace of error, I would not have had the opportunity to advance my soul.
I felt I was learning to lose the resentment that comes from wishing things were different, but it’s a hard filter to clean out; being clogged with so many past disappointments. I want to live the rest of my life knowing that everything just is, regardless of my expectations. Resentment is toxic, and too much of it poisons the mind into thinking that things should not be as they are. How could things possibly be any different than what they are? If they weren’t as they are, we wouldn’t perceive them as being different, anyway. It would just be another reality to resent. We delude ourselves with hindsight that things could have been otherwise, and therefore would be better now. Well here’s the breaking news: we can make them better simply by experiencing our current situation without resentment, and by being receptive to what the present moment has to offer! It’s never too late to be the person you were meant to be. That is the new awareness I’m trying to allow past my filters. Just because I can write about it doesn’t mean I am successful all the time.
Even if this awareness is cultivated, thinking that things could be better is a hard habit to break. For me, getting out to the wilderness where things are naturally what they are, independent of my judgment of what they ought to be, is an essential antidote for resentment. It relaxes my ego’s tendency to judge everything subjectively, and reinforces the objective reality of which I am but an extremely small part. Humility is a lubricant for gratitude, and honey to sweeten bitterness. It is especially important never to resent one’s current situation. The present moment is perfect! Again, how could it be otherwise? It exists as a singular point in the unfolding of the universe that is beyond our influence or comprehension. This present moment was brought into existence – out of nothing at all – by an omnipotent benevolence. There is an infinitely greater Mind than our own, choreographing everything from the appearance of subatomic particles to the explosion of galaxies, so how can one presume to accept anything but the dance? I would go so far as to say that resentment of the present moment is refusal of one’s duty to fulfill one’s purpose in evolution.
Regret is another insidious obstacle to achieving one’s authentic objective. Regret can only be expressed about things in the past. The past has no immediate relevance to the present situation, which must be accepted and acted upon correctly. Regret yearns for a past that did not happen. Instead, there was a progression of precise outcomes necessary for you to discover your purpose in the ongoing development of all that happens. The correct moment is occurring right now, just as it should; quite independent of your opinion. To regret the past is to deny the primacy of the present. At times in my life, it has been necessary to feel profound reconstructive regret for my actions, as a way of demonstrating that I have learned from my mistakes. Some have been among the worst mistakes any human can make. When I dwelt too strongly on regret it morphed into shame, which was toxic and debilitating. Temporary, transformative regret for wrongful actions is important for the soul’s development. Habitual, deeply embedded regret is poisonous.
I needed to learn to relax into the moment; at the time it was happening, which is of course the present moment. Don’t be apart from it; judging it all the time. The need to judge is born of fear and anxiousness that one is not good enough. I am always adequate in this precise moment in time else why would I exist? The instant that I lost the need to evaluate everything that happens, the first thing I felt was a refreshing gratitude: simple appreciation for being in the moment now.
Finally, I could relax. I was home.
It was nice to see Joy, and all my familiar things again, but my heart remained in the mountains! When I weighed myself, I found that I had lost more than 10 pounds in six days! Over the next week or so, I felt my body systems readjusting to the flatlander environment. My nose, which was always adversely affected at higher altitude, also gave me problems when returning to “normal.” I had to clean out a few pine cones that somehow got lodged inside my nostrils. I was very pleased with the condition of my hips and feet, which weren’t nearly as decrepit and fatigued as they had been after previous trips. My thirst and digestion soon returned to normal, dysfunctional levels, probably as a result of my re-exposure to technology… and the stress of trading my life for money. Oh well, at least there was still a home, a country, a job, and a wonderful, healthy family to return to. The latter is all that matters.
The theme of this trip was learning how to love myself again, despite the terrible mistakes I have made in life. That and to feel gratitude for the lessons provided to me, and for the times when I was able to learn from them. Hell, I was just glad I got to go, after all the physical obstacles! There has always been a great deal of pain in my life, which served as a biological signal that I was not living in harmony with my purpose. All the instances where I felt distress or discomfort were only reminders that I wasn’t living correctly. Every time that I longed to be loved was really just an attempt to pass the responsibility for right behavior to a higher power. Now that I was finally learning how to interrelate properly in society, a virus was rendering moot my progress. One could not help but wonder if there would even be a society in which to relate.
I doubt if I will ever fully recover from my missteps, stumbles, and falls along my journey. I willfully followed that slippery slope down into the abyss, and each downhill step became easier… until I hit the bottom. It has taken half my life and a remarkable effort to climb back to where I can see the rim of the canyon, but I shall never return to the top. My residual sense of identification with the dark depths of despair prevent me from breaking free of the morass. Viewing this situation with compassion (because if I do not, who will?), at least I can teach myself to appreciate where I am in this life, what I’ve had to learn, and to love myself along the way. I have made it really hard to do this, so I have to focus on the eternal part of me that is worth loving. I carry my burdens on the trail I have made; to where I do not know. If my soul has made any progress at all, it has been worth the effort.
“All prayers are to Self
And, in one way or another,
All prayers are answered.
Pray,
But beware,
Your desires,
Whether or not you achieve them
Will determine who you become.”
— Octavia Butler